how not to arrive at an interview

Pick a cold, rainy day.

Leave home wearing jeans and a top, tights (under jeans.... yuck!) and trainers and half-styled hair.

Put waterproof trousers, motorcycle jacket, helmet and gloves on

Take a carrier bag containing suit jacket and skirt, hair wax and spray, baby wipes and an umbrella.

Get moped out of garage and ride to destination school.

Park moped in a side street near school entrance.

Remove helmet, jacket, trainers and trousers. Place helmet on pavement, stuff jacket in compartment under seat and spread waterproof trousers on pavement for standing on.

Put up umbrella and wedge handle under chin, keeping hands free for other functions (see below)

Attempt to put skirt on over jeans.

Smile politely at bemused passers by.

Skirt fastened, try to maintain dignity whilst undoing belt and jeans, still smiling at passers by.

Realise that smiling moves the muscles which are holding up the umbrella. Replace smile with contorted frown.

Remove jeans, much to the disgust of old man standing on corner with dog.

Remove suit jacket from carrier bag and try to shake out creases before putting on.

Take posh shoes out of bag. Notice that they need cleaning. Give them a quick wipe over with a baby wipe before putting on.

Scowl at passers by.

Pick up waterproof trousers from pavement and fold up against body.

Try not to drop umbrella whilst vigorously brushing suit to remove dirty marks made by folding trousers.

Remember that bike locks are still in the under-seat compartment, underneath the stuffed in jacket. Pull out jacket, dump locks on floor and re-stuff jacket into compartment along with folded water-proof trousers.

Crouch down slowly so as not to rip skirt and fix locks to wheels of moped

Use another baby wipe to remove grease and dirt from hands.

Regret scowling at passers by and hope that none of them turn up on the interview panel.

Still holding umbrella under chin, open hair wax and attempt to rescue helmet hair.

Having vaguely tamed hair, spray with hairspray, filling umbrella with spray.

Sneeze.

Get accosted by a small boy brandishing a very large and very realistic replica (I hope) gun.

Use baby wipe to clean hair-wax from hands

Apply lipstick, wondering whether gun-boy might be in my class if I am offered the job.

Stuff gloves, baby wipes, hair wax and purse inside helmet and place in storage box on back of bike. Pack jeans, umbrella, carrier bag and one trainer in around it.

Close box and force it to lock.

Check hair and face in wing mirror.

Notice second trainer still on the floor.

Open box and try various arrangements of items before reluctantly admitting there isn't enough space.

Stuff extra trainer into under-seat compartment with jacket and trousers. Slam lid down quick before moped decides there's not enough space there either

Check hair and face in wing mirror again.

Walk across road (offending lollipop man by not crossing with him) and into school grounds

Approach reception window, noticing helmet-formed lattice marks still on forehead.

Wait in staff room for other candidates to arrive.

Even so.... i got the job! From September I'm going to be teaching 5-7 year olds at Manor Park School here in Coventry. Hurrah!